


Weep not for the Memories.

by CountlessUntruths (KaliCephirot)



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Adam is alive, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bondage, Breaking Up & Making Up, Emotional Infidelity, First Times, Light BDSM, Light Bondage, M/M, Mutual Pining, negotiating kink, new relationships, only to break up again, restrictions, trying to get back together with an ex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-18
Updated: 2018-08-18
Packaged: 2019-06-29 04:04:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15721611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaliCephirot/pseuds/CountlessUntruths
Summary: Immediately after the war, after he and Adam had talked and given their mutual apologies, saying 'yes' to go back to dating felt like the more natural thing in the world to Shiro. There were changes, of course, because neither of them was the same person they once were and there were things they had to adapt now. Shiro's prosthetic, his PTSD.The fact that Adam was not his best friend anymore, and now to negotiate the relevance of Keith in his life, among several other things to negotiate.[Slight deviation from canon, but mostly follows S7]





	Weep not for the Memories.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [zarabithia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/zarabithia/gifts).



Immediately after the war, after he and Adam had talked and given their mutual apologies, saying 'yes' to go back to dating felt like the more natural thing in the world to Shiro. While he'd never been a man to believe in regrets, and couldn't really regret what Kerberos had cost him personally when he could see the good it had brought to the universe, losing Adam had been a sorrow that he had carried with him for over almost three years and thousands of miles from Earth to the edges of the Universe and back again.

There were changes, of course: neither he nor Adam where the same people they had been, not even taking into consideration the physical changes he had gone through. Adam was quieter and held his distance much more carefully. Shiro, as well, had to relearn how to share things with Adam when Adam was no longer the person he thought of as best friend.

It wasn't, quite, a getting back together with an ex, the way it might have been if what had happened between them was a simple misunderstanding. Shiro was surprised when he came to realize it was almost like dating someone completely new.

"So, bad-new or just new-new?" Keith asked, waving the brush he was using to comb through Kosmo's fur.

Which was another difference that wouldn't have happened, three-years-for-him-and-five-for-Adam before. Before Kerberos, when Keith was a good friend he was sort of partly mentoring, while trying not to paint it like that out of the sheer respect that Keith had inspired in him, even then, Shiro would have never spoken so candidly with him. 

Now, the idea of not having that kind of trust with the other paladin was ludicrous. While Shiro had never been too comfortable weighting others down with his problems, talking with Keith never felt like he was causing that. 

"Just new, really. Or... like having some sort of deja vu," Shiro said, rubbing his neck a little. "Like looking at a mirror in a fun house? It's sort of similar but also not? I know that it can't be the same, but then I keep being surprised that it's not the same, which is ridiculous."

"Nah," Keith shrugged, going back to grooming his wolf. "It's not ridiculous, I mean. Something that used to be easy isn't now, right? You're allowed to feel upset about it."

"I suppose so," Shiro sighed, even when he knew that Keith was probably right. He laid on the floor, giving an exaggerated 'oof' when Kosmo teleported away from Keith's hands to rest its head against his stomach, laughing a little at Keith's affronted 'hey!'. He scritched the wolf between its ears, tilting his head backwards to give Keith an upside down smile. "So, diagnosis, doctor?"

"Space fleas and ticks on you," Keith deadpanned before he gave him a smile that Shiro knew he probably shouldn't think of as his, but it was. Keith only ever smiled that way at him, and Shiro wasn't selfless enough to pretend he didn't treasure it. "I mean, Shiro, you know this one. Things don't get easier because we stop doing them. And you love him, so..."

That he didn't agree nor disagree on. Shiro was still looking at Keith so he saw the way his eyes tightened a little before he kept on, and that suddenly felt more important than relationship melodrama.

"Want to go and train for a while? Best three out of five?" he asked instead, rewarded for the way Keith grinned at him back.

**

The first time he and Adam sleep together was good. Completely vanilla, nothing harsher than some hickeys and Adam's weight heavy on Shiro while Adam fucked into him. It'd been good, and if it had taken him a little longer to come it wasn't something surprising because these days it always did, and after they had finished and Adam had helped him get clean, they both had laughed, trying to remember the last time they had had such vanilla sex (they were almost certain it had been the year before they broke up when they had last visited Adam's parents for Christmas). 

After a month back into dating, that had been the first time that Shiro felt that maybe their relationship was finally on the mend. Laughing together in bed had felt easy, the sort of camaraderie that Shiro still felt was missing with Adam. They'd gone to sleep smiling and Shiro had felt hopeful. 

That had lasted until later that same night, when he had woken up in a panic, breathing fast, the nightmare of dozens of faces exactly the same as his and remembering the _need to hurt and burn and kill Keith, who was fighting but not giving his all and--_... and Adam had tried to help, the logical part of Shiro's brain told him, but Adam had put his hand on his back without warning and Shiro had reacted, pinning him to the mattress with his hand, his robotic hand charging and ready to punch if Shiro as much as thought it. 

"It's me, Takashi." Adam had said, brown eyes blown wide and worried and scared. "Try to breathe."

Which he did, letting go and pushing away from Adam, the adrenaline kick leaving him trembling. Adam moved, turning on the light and Shiro tried to count to ten. He felt Adam sitting nearby and braced himself for Adam to touch him again, grateful when it didn't happen. 

"Want to talk about it?" Adam asked, sounding worried.

"Just a nightmare," Shiro said, because he couldn't imagine telling Adam about any of his nightmares. How, in his dreams, sometimes he never stopped being the clone, and he remained Haggar's puppet. How in the dream he just had, Keith was begging him, telling him he loved him, and how he still pushed his old Galran arm inside Keith and-- "Just a nightmare."

Adam frowned, and if they were still learning about how they had changed, there were something that were the same: Adam still could tell when he was keeping something from him and Shiro still knew when Adam was displeased. Adam moved away, reaching for his glasses, and told him he was going to make him some tea. Shiro didn't see the point on telling him that he didn't like the taste of it anymore, so he nodded a simple yes, listening to Adam's steps going away, and then reaching for his phone on the bedside, reaching for Keith's contact. 

_02:13 - Dreamed about the fight._

And Keith was as light a sleeper as Shiro was, so he wasn't surprised when he got an answer back almost immediately, and the relief he felt was bigger than his guilt.

_02:14 - Want me to call you?_   
_02:14 - No, it's fine. I'm sorry I woke you up._

And then, because it was Keith and Keith knew him better than anyone else, a recorded message that Shiro hesitated for a second before pressing play to, closing his eyes to listen to Keith's voice, sleep rough and warm, almost as if he was by his other side.

_"Don't be. Call me if you need to, I'll pick up."_

But it helped immediately: Shiro could feel his heartbeat slowing down, the panic receding. By the time Adam came back with a cup of chamomile tea (sweetened with honey, the way Shiro had liked him years ago), Shiro could smile at him and thank him, and even go back to sleep.

(When he woke up, Keith had sent him another recorded message, a simple good morning and telling him where he and Kosmo where going to be running that day, in case Shiro wanted to catch up with them. 

Shiro decided not to, but he sent Keith a soft 'thank you' for a whole lot number of things that Shiro couldn't even begin to explain).

**

Things... didn't really get much better, after that. 

The two of them were busy, which didn't really allow for a developing relationship to keep on a steady pace. Even before Kerberos, Adam had been ready to settle down and with all the rebuilding effort going back in Earth, he's more than happy to stay back on Earth and help, which is good and noble and full of all the things that Shiro had so admired and loved of him years ago. 

But Shiro had always had his eyes set on the stars, on being the cliche of a nerd and that he had never even tried to pretend not to be, on reaching the last frontier and going as far as mankind could go and now he literally could. Being the captain of the Atlas went so beyond turning Shiro's dreams into a reality that sometimes, late at night, when he was in his ship, Shiro still worried that he was going to wake up in a Galra cell before he was being forced to kill to survive. 

Adam hadn't quite said that he hoped Shiro quit, probably because he knew how that conversation had gone the last time (and, in a manufactured body of a once weapon, there was no debilitating muscular atrophy that would force Shiro out of space before he wanted), but it was there in the set of his shoulder or the way his smile never quite reached his eyes. 

"This is so unfair. I was supposed to be the ladies' man!" Lance complained as the paladins went inside the Lion's Den, where Team Voltron (and Coran and Shiro) usually debriefed after missions. 

When Allura cleared her throat, Lance turned to look at her with his heart in his eyes. "Only so I could tell them about the love of my life, the most beautiful, amazing, smart, caring and wonderful woman in the world, who is my wife!"

"Nice save, buddy," Hunk said, snoring.

"Nah, he's still sleeping in the dog's house. Keith, you should lend him Kosmo's blanket." Pidge added. 

"What happened?" Shiro asked, smiling at them. 

Pidge and Hunk grinned at him and, in one voice, said: "Keith has admirers!"

"Oh, come on," Keith said, rolling his eyes.

"Well, Keith, you must admit that they were quite... adamant, about the Black Paladin being the one for their holographs," Allura said with the smile that meant she was trying very hard not to tease. 

"It's insane!" Lance complained again. "Not because I want anyone other than Allura to notice me, of course, but come on!"

Keith rolled his eyes again, hard enough that Shiro almost felt it, even as Keith sat down by his side. Shiro smiles, even if it feels as if he suddenly had a stomach full of nunvill.

"You should have seen them, Shiro, they were all 'Oh, Keith, you are so brave and strong and emo!'" Hunk pretended to swoon. "'Please, take us!'" 

"'Why, yes, I have a tragic past and a super cool space wolf and did you see my facial scar of angst?'" Pidge deepened her voice in an attempt to copy Keith's.

"You two are going to be running laps once we're back on Earth until the next leap year," Keith growled. 

Pidge and Hunk laughed even as they ran out of the Den, Allura pulling a still pouting Lance away. Shiro waited until the doors close before he could turn towards Keith, raising an eyebrow.

"So. Fans."

"Don't you start as well," Keith groaned, sprawling down over the couch. "It wasn't like that."

That, Shiro while Keith had never doubted his flying abilities (and with good reason), he could also be completely unaware of his other qualities, and Shiro simply couldn't be sure if Keith had realized how many eyes followed him both aboard the Atlas and over Earth and decided he wasn't interested, or hadn't realized just how his certainty and leadership made people notice him. 

"It wouldn't be completely strange if it was," Shiro said instead, softly, knocking his shoulder against Keith's, and he stayed there. "And by completely I mean 'not at all'. You're kind of a big deal, Commander Kogane."

"Thank you, Captain Shirogane of the Atlas," Keith snorted. "I mean, even if they do, so what? They don't know me, not really, and I'm not really into dating groupies."

"Who are you into dating, then?" Shiro asked, curious despite himself. "I don't think I've ever heard you talk about anyone like that."

Keith hummed, shrugging. "Well... not girls. Or, women. Female identifying people? Some of the old Blade were non binary but.. mostly I'm into guys, I guess."

Which was, perhaps, something strange not to know about your best friend, when you could easily name his three favorite weapons to fight with, Shiro thought. 

"Wait, Blades?" Shiro blinked. "You mean, when you were working with them, you were dating someone?"

Keith started to blush, shrugging. "I wouldn't say 'dating'..."

Shiro raised his eyebrows. Keith's blush deepened.

"You don't have to date someone to have sex with them," Keith said, and if his blush wasn't so deep, perhaps Shiro would have believed his nonchalance. "They were interested, I was curious, it happened. Nothing to write home about."

"You never told me," Shiro says softly, trying not to sound as if he was blaming Keith for that.

Keith, still blushing red, rolled his eyes. " 'Yes, Shiro, y'know how I had a panic attack about leading the team and pretty much fucked off because I felt like I didn't belong in the team and that I was letting you down? Well, while I was still AWOL, I kinda decided to remember that I had hormones and had sex with some of the guys of the Blade. P.S., don't tell my mom nor Kolivan or I'll probably have to fly Black near a black hole so I can jump in and never have that conversation with either of them.' "

"When you put it like that..." Shiro chuckled, before he shook his head, looking at Keith. "But, seriously, Keith. You know I wouldn't have minded. Yes, we were in a war, but you still had a right to live your life."

Which was... not quite the truth, Shiro realized. Not the part of Keith being allowed to live his life, because, just as he had been proud of how Keith had grown into himself after two years living with Krolia, Shiro knew that Keith, just like the rest of them, had the right of living their life, even in the middle of an intergalactic war and he wouldn't have resented anyone on the team if while they were in the middle of it, they had fallen in love, certainly never Keith. 

But after saying that he wouldn't have minded, the knowledge that he would have, actually, settled heavy and dark in his stomach, leaving an unpleasant aftertaste, even if Keith was treating it like something inconsequential. Keith shrugged at him.

"If it had been something serious I would have, Shiro. It's not like I was trying to keep it a secret," Keith looked at him and Shiro felt his throat close up, his heart skipping a few heartbeats. "I'd have tell you if it was anything else. You're the person I trust the most. You know that."

"Yeah," he heard himself answering. "Me too, Keith. Me too."

**

The fact that it took them forever to settle on a safeword should have been Shiro's first clue that going back into BDSM with Adam so soon wasn't a good idea. It hadn't seem like that, at first: in their previous relationship kink and BDSM had been part of their sex life and, now that they were working on fixing that, the once fond memories of it were allowed to be back again. Adam's warm voice giving him directions and Adam's careful hands against him had always been a thing for Shiro to fall back against, and it had sounded so good, after Adam asked.

Before the break up they had used traffic lights as their safeword, a simple red-yellow-green method that didn't require many explanations between two partners who trusted each other implicitly. But after Voltron, the colors brought other associations for Shiro that he couldn't quite bring back towards safety measures in the bedroom, and Adam had accepted that explanation easily enough, but almost everything else was rejected by one or the other for being too ridiculous or too strange or too wrong.

"Perhaps you should simply use 'Keith'," Adam had thrown over him viciously. 

"Don't," Shiro said, clenching his jaw, because perhaps he wasn't the leader of the paladins anymore, but he was still going to defend them and Keith was his best friend. Adam wasn't going to throw that against him.

But Adam looked sorry immediately and sighed, wincing.

"Sorry. That was... unfair of me," he said, reaching for Shiro's hand, rubbing his thumb against his knuckles. "Would 'whistle' work?"

Which was how they'd gone back into trying to create the scene, Shiro on his knees without his bionic arm, Adam ever so carefully tying the rope against his wrist and moving his arm behind his back. 

Shiro could remember when they used to do this before Kerberos, Adam telling him how good he looked, how proud he was, could remember how it felt the slight rope burn beneath his uniform and how much he had loved the feeling, how often it happened that, the day after a scene, once they were back at their quarters, Adam would push him against the door, telling him how he had been half hard all day thinking of all the hickeys and bruises that he had left on Shiro's body, and how much Shiro had loved it. How much he had loved, in the middle of the scene, the way the restrictions had felt, how freeing it had been to fight against them while knowing that he was completely safe. 

He could remember all that, and as Adam moved the rope against him, trapping him, Shiro fought teeth and nail against the rising panic in his chest at how trapped can't escape not safe can't move can't move can't--

"Whistle!" he cried, trying to twist free, and even when he knew that was making it more complicated for Adam to actually let him go. "Whistle, whistle!"

Adam's hand fell heavy on the back of his neck and Shiro wondered why the hell he had agreed on turning off his arm, wondered what was wrong with him that he couldn't breath, couldn't listen, couldn't--

"Takashi, I need you to stop moving so I can take these off," Adam ordered and it took everything in Shiro to do as he was told. Adam at least was fast and he didn't touch Shiro more than he had to, untying the rope and, once it was done, keeping his distance for Shiro to be able to stand up and move away, trying to control his breathing. "Takashi--" 

"Don't, please--" He tried to stop his panic, knowing that it didn't make sense, that he was safe, but the instinct to fight or flee wouldn't leave him. "I'm fine. I'm fine."

"You're not _fine_ ," Adam said, frowning, trying to get closer to him and the panic in his chest threatened to swallow him whole again. "Takashi, let me help you, we need to talk about this. Here, sit down and let me--"

"Stop telling me what to do!" Shiro yelled and then winced, still trying to keep his breathing steady. "Sorry. I'm sorry, Adam, I don't... I know you're trying but-- I can't, right now. Can we... talk later? Please?"

He didn't see Adam's expression but he could guess it, and Shiro winced when he left without another word, finally allowing himself to properly crash, barely remembering to grab his phone because while logic told him that he was having a panic attack maybe it could be something else maybe it was a heart attack or maybe there was still something wrong with his body and maybe this was all a dream and now it was a nightmare and maybe--. 

"Shiro, try to listen to my voice. I'm here and you're okay. Everything's going to be okay."

\-- and maybe in the middle of his panic attack, what remained of his instincts would reach for the person he trusted in the most.

"Keith?" he gasped, and at least that broke into his hiperventilating. The next breath he drew was deeper, and he was aware of his own body.

Keith's relief was almost palpable. "I'm fifteen doboshes away. Are you back at your quarters?"

"Yeah. I..."

"Okay. I'm sending Kosmo before me. I'll be there soon. Want me to stay with you on the phone?"

He wasn't sure what the noise he made meant, but Keith didn't hang up even when Shiro suddenly had a space wolf nuzzling against his face and letting him wrap an arm around its body and rub his face against its fur. Shiro closed his eyes and merely listened as Keith talked about anything and nothing, his voice soft and steady so that Shiro could match his breathing to his.

By the time Keith knocked before punching the code that Shiro had given him, his panic attack was mostly over and he felt mostly embarrassed by the whole thing, exhausted and reminded once again that, even if he tried to be okay, there were parts of him that were broken and lost for good. Mourning for the person he had been before the Galra always felt selfish to Shiro, when he had survived everything that came through. So many people throughout the universe hadn't been as lucky as he.

"Sorry you had to come," Shiro said, still sitting on the floor, Kosmo's head leaning against his lap.

Keith snorted, moving towards him, sitting down close enough that Shiro could feel his warmth but not touching him just yet, which he appreciated. His relationship with his body was still complicated and he should have thought about that before agreeing on bondage with Adam. 

"Wanna talk about it?" Keith asked, his concern warm and soft. Shiro knew that if he said no, not yet, Keith wouldn't press and he'd go back to talking about his day and his lessons, allowing Shiro to speak when and if he wanted. As terrible as Keith always said he was with talking and sharing his feelings, it wasn't like that anymore. Keith would always be ready to listen when and if the other person was ready for.

"I'm just... tired of-- I know what the therapist said and I know what I have read and I know, it's normal. I know, Keith," he said instead, leaning against the wall and not looking at Keith. "But, right now, I just really wish I wasn't broken."

"Shiro, you're not-- okay, okay, fine. " he felt Keith shifting, and he could feel his eyes on his face. "Okay, so maybe... you are. Maybe we are broken-- damaged or, whatever. We're not the same people we were before Voltron. But it's not all bad. And yeah, maybe you're not the same as you were before, but you shouldn't focus just on the cracks, because there's also a lot of strength there."

He saw Keith shift and raise his hand so that Shiro could nod before he put it on his shoulder, Keith squeezing gently. It centered him, made him more aware of his body, his own breathing. He leaned more against the wall.

"What brought on this?" Keith asked.

And it felt ridiculous and too dramatic to discuss, really, especially when he hadn't wanted to discuss it even with his boyfriend, but Keith was always Shiro's exception to every rule. 

"We used to like-- I mean, from before we broke up? We liked bondage and roleplaying, when we were together. But I don't think I can do that, anymore. We tried, today, and..."

Keith stayed quiet for a moment and when he spoke, his voice was murderous.

"If you're telling me that Adam got upset because you didn't want him to tie you up--"

"What? No, no, Keith." He turned to look towards Keith, but at his owner's tone of voice even Kosmo was obviously waiting for a simple command before attacking and Shiro felt his mood lift at the shared glare between owner and cosmic wolf. He found himself smiling, shaking his head. "It wasn't like that. We really didn't get into discussing if Adam was upset or not. I freaked out and--"

And he wouldn't even let his boyfriend touch him, not even talk to him, which was something that Shiro hadn't expected. If Adam was upset, he had every right to it, even if the idea of having to try and explain the hows and the whys and reach an understanding made Shiro feel more exhausted than even dealing with Slav left him.

"We used to really be into it. I really used to be into-- ah, well. Bondage. Being submissive? And I still remember how much I liked it. I wanted to have that back. But when Adam started tying me I had a bad flashback. So I guess that's another thing that I can't do anymore."

He tried to shrug it off, but Keith was still frowning thoughtfully at him, eyes dark and intense on him.

"Okay so, maybe actual ropes are a no, but there are other ways to restrict someone, right?" Keith said carefully. "I'm flying blind here, Shiro, so tell me if I'm completely off, but maybe it could work with orders?"

"Orders?" Shiro asked back, frowning in thought as well.

Keith shrugged, and maybe he thought that Shiro was saying not to his suggestion, because he added. "Could work? Like saying 'keep your hands behind your back and don't move them until I say so'."

Keith wasn't really trying to be commanding, and Shiro knew that the order he had given had been just an example, but he felt his breath catch deep in his throat, his tongue suddenly feeling twice as big inside his mouth. It took him two tries to find his voice and he was distantly relieved that it didn't sound as wrecked as he felt. 

"Yeah, maybe..." he shook his head. "I mean... we'd have to talk about it. I don't even know if Adam would want to keep trying."

"He already broke up with you _once_ ," Keith deadpanned. "I refuse to believe he could be so stupid to choose to break up with you _again_. Especially over something as stupid as quiznacking ropes."

"Your bias is cute, Keith," Shiro said with a smile.

"It's not a bias if it's the truth," Keith rolled his eyes. "It's you. You're the most amazing person I've ever known, Shiro. I'd be so--"

Keith cut himself off suddenly and Shiro was once again left speechless, because suddenly it felt as if several jigsaw pieces finally fit in properly and Shiro could see the whole picture and it was something he should have been aware of.

Keith had closed his eyes and there was a tightness over his jaw before he sighed, opening his eyes to look at him. He looked... not sorry, not exactly. Resigned, and Shiro hated that look on Keith's face.

"Sorry, Shiro. I... probably should leave," Keith said softly. "I've a lesson to teach at o-eight hundred."

And Shiro also had meetings and reunions and things to do. But when Keith moved to stand away, he reached for his hand.

"Stay."

Keith didn't quite say okay, but they both moved towards his bed, barely stopping so Keith could take off his shoes and jacket, then laying down side by side. When Shiro reached for his hand again, Keith squeezed his fingers back.

"Just talk it out, Shiro." Keith said softly, barely above a whisper. "If he cares about you, he'll get it."

He answered: "I'm sure you're right," but he wasn't quite sure he was still talking about Adam. Not when Keith was looking at him that way and when he could feel his breathing against his face.

When Shiro fell asleep, he did so while looking at Keith and Keith looking back.

**

Work and missions had a way of happening where at times nothing really happened in your life: you had time to catch up on your reading, maybe start that gardening hobbie you had meant to do before. And then, everything was happening at the same time, all over the place, at once. 

Even with the Paladins and the missions where the Atlas went alongside them, by the time the five paladins, Coran and he finally went into the Lion's Den, for Shiro it felt as if he hadn't actually seen nor talked to his friends in over a month.

"You know what we have to do," Hunk said, laying down on the couch. Pidge was leaning against him, already half asleep. "We need to somehow make a contract where the Paladins also have a right for vacations. Like, two weeks off grid, no calls, no emails, no intergalactic insurrections happening..."

"Dunno if that's possible, big guy, but you've got my vote," Lance said, Allura's feet on his lap.

"It does sound lovely, if improbable," Allura added before smiling. "I can't quite remember when was the last time the five of us where even in the same room."

"It was six weeks ago, Princess Allura, after the Olkari investigators reached Earth," Coran said, passing cups of tea and water (and coffee, for Shiro).

"At least some of you are good at keeping your online status updated," Pidge muttered. "Shiro, if it wasn't for Matt, I wouldn't even know that you and Adam are not dating anymore!"

The surprised exclamations and condolences went almost immediately, which was one of the reasons why Shiro hadn't quite said anything. They had been taxing enough once, years ago, from people he wasn't as good as friend as he was with the Paladins. Coran and Lance looked heartbroken for him, Hunk was pouting and Allura was sympathetic.

He couldn't quite translate Keith's intense gaze.

"It's not a big deal, guys. We just didn't work out," he said with a smile. "We want different things in life these days. He's been working quite closs with the MFE pilots, he's probably going to be assigned as their commanding officer. I'm happy for him."

"Okay so if it wasn't a douche break up, I probably won't key his plane then," Lance said. "But seriously, we need to find a better way to keep in touch, I don't want to do a Matt someday and come and find out that Pidge has married and is expecting sextuplets!"

Pidge's loud shrill of disbelief quickly distracted the rest of the paladins. Keith was still looking at him, so Shiro mouthed him a simple 'later', to which Keith gave one nod before turning back towards the others conversation.

Later meant after duty, once the third shift was working and Shiro could leave bridge towards his private quarters. He was unsurprised to find Keith inside: even without a conversation pending between them, he'd let Keith know that he was always allowed inside. It was the main reason why he'd always programmed Keith as authorized personnel. 

"Sorry, that took longer than expected," he apologized, reaching to start undoing the heavy set of his coat. "There's some issue with the engines on the lower deck that I didn't want to leave unattended."

"It's fine," Keith said, but he looked worried. "Shiro, about Adam, you didn't--"

"Yeah, I know." He sighed, rubbing the back of his neck with his human hand. "We did talk, after that time, me and Adam. About a lot of things, not just our sex life. There were a lot of things we weren't saying to each other because we both wanted to be okay."

"That doesn't sound bad," Keith said, carefully. Shiro smiled at him.

"It wasn't, in general. But we realized just how different the things we want right now are. He wants to start a family soon-ish. And while I probably wouldn't mind that either sometime in the future, I don't want it now, nor am I planning for that in my short term future. He still doesn't want to travel through space. I still want to know as much of this universe as I may be able to explore, especially now that the Atlas allows us that. And we both were so scared of hurting each other that we weren't being completely honest with each other about... anything," Shiro shrugged once. "We decided that it was best to call it quits before we actually started resenting each other, and ended up as friends this time."

Keith stayed quiet for a moment and then he reached to put his hand on Shiro's arm, gently.

"Still. I'm sorry, Shiro. I know what he meant to you."

Shiro smiled at Keith, before reaching to cover his hand with his human one.

"The thing is... he doesn't. Adam was... me, trying to pretend that I was still the same person as I had been. But it was more out of comfort than love, for me. I wasn't being honest about who I want now."

He was close enough to notice how Keith's pupils dilated into an almost Galra shape, close enough to see him swallow. He felt the way Keith squeezed his fingers gently.

"Who do you want now," Keith said, and Shiro wasn't sure if he was repeating what he said or asking. 

He leaned closer to Keith.

"Tell me if I'm wrong," Shiro asked instead, softly, feeling as if his heart could break. 

But Keith who had for so long taken care of him, wasn't about to be careless with his heart. His answer was immediate, Keith tiptoeing to close the distance between them, his hands on Shiro's chest to kiss him and Shiro had been almost, almost completely certain of this, of Keith's wanting him back (almost impossible to doubt it, after Keith's almost confession) and yet the darkest part inside him was weak with relief as he leaned closer, wrapping his arms tightly around Keith.

Shiro hadn't counted on the latent _need_ that spread inside him as they kissed. He'd expected the relief and the warmth, not the need to press Keith closer to him, nor the way he shivered at Keith's groan. 

"We should probably stop," he managed to say between one kiss and a dozen others. 

"I've been dreaming of this for almost seven years," Keith said, his hand tight on the back of Shiro's neck and Shiro hadn't expected to like that so much. "We can stop, if you want to, or go slower, but don't start with 'shoulds' please. "

"Wait. _Seven years_?" Shiro asked, staring at Keith.

Keith simply shrugged at him. "Why do you think you never heard me talk about dating anyone?"

Which was more than Shiro could hope to deal with in one piece. He murmured Keith's name, heart pounding, and when Keith pressed his hands against his chest, where the buttons of his uniform jacket start, Shiro nodded, reaching to undo Keith's uniform as well, dropping clothes until he was sitting on his bed, arms around Keith's waist, Keith pushing him down and climbing on top of him, pressing close enough that Shiro could feel him hard against his thigh, knowing that Keith could feel him as well. 

"Trust me?" Keith asked against his mouth, rubbing against him. 

"Always." He had to open his eyes to look at Keith's expression at that so he could smile and reach a hand to touch his face, the novelty of that now being allowed still leaving him breathless.

Keith smiled, turning his face to kiss his palm, and then back to look at him, a hint of mischief in his eyes.

"Hands behind your back. Don't touch me until I give you the okay. If you do, I'll stop. Okay?"

Shiro shivered hard at his voice but then he smiled back, crossing first his bionic arm and then his human arm on the small of his back as Keith opened his pants, and then holding for dear life to the covers when Keith knelt between his legs and leaned over to take his cock in his mouth.

"Keith..." Keith hummed, even as Shiro's cock stretched his mouth and the picture that did was life changing and devastating, almost as much as the feeling of Keith's warm tongue pressing against him. Shiro had to resist the urge to reach for him, to run fingers through his hair, to ask him please, please, please if maybe he could fuck his mouth. Or if Keith would fuck _his_. 

All the possibilities that Shiro hadn't really allowed himself to consider and where now within the realm of 'maybes' and 'perhaps' were making him almost as dizzy as Keith's mouth, at the strength of his hands pressed against his hips, not letting him thrust against him. 

The need to touch Keith was almost overwhelming, but Keith's order worked almost the same way ropes had done for him before. He could struggle with himself, and he could get himself free if he wanted, but the thrill of it, the strange freedom it brought made his skin feel almost on fire, the certainty of safeness that restriction used to bring him there again, accompanied by the thought that it was Keith holding him so. 

It took him embarrassingly too little time before he was gasping his release, Keith's hands tight on his thighs, and feeling Keith swallow around him almost killed him again. Shiro gasped, hands clenched tight enough that his flesh hand felt a little numb. And then Keith raised, still kneeling between his legs, and reached for his own pants and when he started touching himself, he almost killed Shiro for the third time.

"Please," he started, now really desperate, his voice still rough. "Please, please, Keith, let me touch you, I want you so much... say I can touch you, _please._ "

The small part of him that wasn't orgasm-stupid made notice of the surprise on Keith's face, something to talk about later, among all the things that they were going to have to talk about, because Shiro still wanted to know more about the apparently seven-for-Keith-and-about-five-maybe-for-him of this, wanted to kiss Keith again and hear him say his name _again_ and he wanted so, so badly to actually touch him--

"Yes," Keith said, breathless. "You can touch me, Shiro."

It was all he needed to push himself up with his bionic hand and wrap his other arm around Keith to bring him close and kiss him hard, rolling them until he was on top of Keith, dizzy with all the possibilities, even when knowing that, logically, this was just a first time and they were going to have _time_. But he still kissed Keith hard, swallowing Keith's groans when he reached with his flesh hand to wrap his hand around his cock to stroke him, following the rhythm Keith was putting as he pushed against his hand. 

"That's it," Shiro said, pulling back enough that he could see Keith's expression, how flushed his expression looked and how dark his eyes were as they stared at him. "God, Keith. You look so good..." 

His heart felt stupidly warmer when Keith blushed harder at that, even as Keith snorted, trying to push his face against Shiro's shoulder.

"Never thought you'd be... fuck... the chatty type..." Keith gasped, and his mock affront was mostly lost with how he gasped, how he arched and pressed against Shiro.

Shiro thought of all the ways he could answer, ask Keith if that was a frequent fantasy of his, how he had pictured he fucked, if there was any particular fantasy he had ever entertained, and the simple knowledge that now he could, probably, actually learn that, made him feel stupidly happy, even as he leaned to nuzzle against Keith's head and then, because he _could_ , speak directly against his ear.

"Guess then I just won't say how much I want to take you in my mouth, and maybe you could tell me again when and how I'm allowed to touch you while you fuck my mouth, your hands on my head..."

Keith somehow managed to make his groan sound both affronted and aroused, which was a first for Shiro, and he chuckled even as Keith bit his shoulder hard as he came, trembling hard against him. Shiro stroked him through his orgasm. When Keith collapsed against him, Shiro reached for one of their discarded shirts to clean themselves a little bit before he could hold Keith close, making a contented noise when Keith moved to hug him back.

He could have fallen asleep just like that, with the feeling of Keith's breathing easing against his neck, the feeling that he had so desperately chased when he had gone back to Adam there, in Keith's arm, the sense of homecoming and peace just there.

So he sighed, because one thought came back to stop him from simply falling asleep.

"Seven years. Or five, in my timeline. Which means, three years, at least." He started, then snorted a laugh when Keith poked him over the ribs. 

"Shut up," Keith said, and Shiro didn't have to pull back to look at him to know he was rolling his eyes. "I was fifteen and then you had a boyfriend, then you were dead, then there was Voltron and a quiznacking _war_ and then you had a boyfriend _again_."

Which, all true, and Shiro would have left it there, the conversation ready for another day, but then Keith murmured, very softly. 

"Kinda never thought you'd ever want me back."

Which meant that Shiro had to pull away to look at Keith, so that he could kiss him again, tell him again that he did want him, he wanted him back so much, and kiss him until he could try to start erasing even that bit of self doubt for Keith, and Keith to do the same for him.

They didn't get a wink of sleep that night and, the next day, Lance mocked Keith's eyebags even as both Allura and Pidge looked at _him_ with raised, mischievous eyebrows, which Shiro pretended to ignore.

Even with no sleep at all, and thousands of miles away from Earth, when Keith looked at him and smiled, Shiro finally felt back at home.

**Author's Note:**

> Before S7 started, Z and I were talking about Sheith, as we sometimes do, and she mentioned wanting a fic where Shiro relearns and renegotiates his kinks after his PTSD, as well as wanting to see him trying to do that at first with Adam, that not working, and then that working out with Keith.
> 
> This is not exactly that, but it's something: a lot of pining, emotional cheating because sometimes that shit happens, more pining and a happy ending for Shiro and Keith.
> 
> Re: Adam. I don't really care much about the character as is, other than the fact that, having been Shiro's boyfriend once, is a hell of a recommendation letter and he must have been something. I don't ship Shiro/Adam and most of the times my portrayal of that relationship will be as part of Shiro's history and that's it.


End file.
